Enabling is any behaviour that removes
the consequences of addiction,
thereby making it easier for the addict
to continue to use drugs.
There is a multitude of ways, some quite common, that people enable
their loved one who is enslaved to drugs. Take this simple quiz to see if
you are enabling or are tempted to enable –
1. Have you ever ‘called in sick’ for the addict because he was too
hung-over to go to work?
2. Do you ever make excuses for the addict’s drinking or behaviour?
3. Have you ever lied to anyone to cover up for the addict?
4. Have you bailed the addict out of jail or paid his legal fees?
5. Have you accepted part of the blame for the addict’s behaviour?
6. Do you avoid talking about the addict’s drinking out of fear of the
response?
7. Have you paid bills that the addict was supposed to have paid?
8. Have you loaned the addict money?
9. Have you tried drinking with the addict in hopes of strengthening
the relationship?
10. Have you given the addict ‘one more chance’ and then another, and
another?
11. Have you threatened to leave if the addict didn’t stop drinking but
then did not leave?
12. Have you finished a job or project that the addict failed to
complete?
13. Do you find yourself worrying about a person in ways that
consume your time, or do you find yourself trying to come up with
solutions to his problems rather than letting him do the solving?
14. Do you find yourself afraid for this person, or convinced that he
‘cannot handle’ a situation or relationship without ‘falling apart’?
15. Do you ever do something for him that he could and even should
be doing?
16. Do you ever excuse his behaviour as being a result of ‘stress,
misunderstanding, or difficulty coping,’ even when the behaviour
hurts or inconveniences you?
17. Have you talked to someone for him as a way of reducing his pain?
18. Do you worry that you may not be doing enough for him?
19. Do you ever feel you have a unique and special relationship with
him, unlike anyone else he may know.
20. Do you ever feel protective of him – even though he is an adult and
old enough and capable of taking care of his life?
21. Do you ever wish others in his life would change their behaviour or
attitudes to make things easier for him?
22. Do you feel responsible for getting him help?
23. Do you feel reluctant to refer him to a source of help or assistance,
uncertain if another person can understand or appreciate the
addict’s situation the way you do?
24. Do you ever feel manipulated by this person but ignore your
feelings?
25. Do you ever feel that no one understands him as you do?
If you answered yes to any of these questions then there is a good chance
you have enabled someone in their addiction. It’s time to get real and
decide that you will not be complicit in their chaotic dangerous lifestyle.
‘Saviour Mentality feeds the enabling process.’
10 Treatments for Enablers
- Educate yourself about addictive behaviours
- Communicate unconditional love
- Refuse to give financial and resource support
- Be truthful about the addicts behaviour
- Hold the addict accountable for broken promises
- Follow through – Don’t threaten
- Extend loving words of encouragement
- Be ready with next step solutions
- Look for teachable moments
- Be patient an consistent
Healthy Boundaries
- Decide on healthy boundaries before speaking with the addict.
- Set boundaries in consultation
- Always create a safe environment for addressing issues
Some suggestions:
- I will always love and accept my loved one who is struggling with
addiction - I will verbally remind him of my love
- I will recommend treatments and programs to get free
- I will not provide money when he is in his addiction so that he will
have more resources to buy the drug - I will not provide him with housing so that he can use his other
resources to buy drugs and live a lifestyle that will kill him - I will not keep his secrets and aid him in living a double life
- I will not run errands, make phone calls, make excuses in order to
clean up the mess he is making under the influence of addiction - I will do everything I can to be spiritually strong for others and myself.
Do not allow yourself to be persuaded that what you are doing is
unloving. In the long-term, what you are doing is contributing to, and
speeding the arrival of, the day the addict seeks help by allowing the
addict to feel the consequences of his choices.
Saying words like:
- “I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but I love you very much
and want you to get the help you need.” - “I love you very much but I also know that love doesn’t mean
telling you everything you want to hear.” - “I’ll always love you but I can’t contribute to you killing yourself.”
These are all phrases that let the addict know you are serious and that you
want to express love to him.
Common defences you’ll see when making healthier decisions:
- Denial Blaming
- Isolation Projection
- Rationalising Minimizing
- Guilt and Threats
Financial and Resource Enabling
- Cut off all financial support to the addict
- Do not provide housing for the addict
- Be in unity (with extended family regarding boundaries)
- Communicate to the addict that his support system is united on
the need for recovery - Allow the addict to seek public assistance (e.g. Food bank,
Winz, etc.)
“It’s Not About YOU”
. . . Until you are able to stop personalising the problems of the
addict and making it about you –
Your embarrassment
Your responsibility
Your love
Your past mistakes –
then you can not help your loved one.
“ Saviour mentality feeds the enabling process”
Reminder:
Enabling is any behaviour
that removes or softens
the consequences of addiction,
thereby making it easier for the addict
to continue to use drugs.